An Extremely Abridged and Informal History of Argentina
History class vibes? Not here. Argentina’s past is like the ultimate binge-worthy series—full of chaos, power plays, and “no way that actually happened” moments. We’re cutting out the boring stuff and giving you the TL;DR version—just the main talking points you need to sound like you know what you’re talking about without the deep dive. It’s quick, it’s messy, and yeah, it’s extremely abridged. Brace yourself, because we’re about to break down Argentina’s wildest highlights like it’s the next big plot twist.
Spain’s Control Freak Era
Let’s kick things off with some drama. Back in the day, Spain had Argentina on a seriously short leash—total controlling partner vibes. Spain was like, “You can’t trade with anyone but me,” while Argentina was sneaking around, trading contraband with whoever they wanted. Buenos Aires turned into a hotspot for all the goods Spain didn’t approve of.
Meanwhile, in the 1600s, the Jesuits—who were basically the Catholic Church’s overachieving do-gooders—rolled in with a “We’ll teach you God and some math” starter pack. They set up missions and turned Indigenous communities into self-sufficient little kingdoms. Spain? Big jealous vibes. By 1767, Spain couldn’t handle how much influence the Jesuits had, so they cancelled them. But, like the genius kid’s notes you keep using after they’re gone, the Jesuits’ legacy stuck around.
And as Spain tried harder to control everything, Argentina was already thinking ahead. It was only a matter of time before Argentina was like, “This controlling energy is not it,” and started plotting their big breakup.
The English Tried to Be Argentina’s Chongo (1806–1807)
Then, in 1806 the British showed up acting like they could just slide in and take Buenos Aires. The locals were like “yeah, no.” Not learning their lesson, the Brits came back for round two in 1807. Same Result: a hard NO from Argentina. “Quedate con las ganas, amigo.”
Spain didn’t even help out during these invasions, which got people thinking, “Why are we still in this toxic situationship with Spain anyway?”
1810: Argentina says “We’re Done”
By 1810, Argentina had had enough of Spain’s control freak energy. Cue the Revolución de Mayo, where the people were like, “Spain, we need to talk.” After some back-and-forth drama, in 1816, Argentina sent the official breakup text: Independence. Spain? Left on Read.
The Gaucho Era: Argentina’s Wild West
But after the breakup, Argentina went through its chaotic phase, kinda like a post-breakup bardo. Civil wars between the city slickers (unitarios) and the countryside gauchos turned the country into the wild west. Think of it as Argentina’s rebellious teen phase, figuring itself out.
Immigration Wave: Argentina Becomes the Party Host
By the late 1800s, Argentina was like, “Everyone’s invited!” Millions of Europeans came flooding in, bringing their food, culture, and, let’s be honest, a lot of drama. This is when Buenos Aires got its mix of vibes, from tango to pasta, turning it into the cultural melting pot we know today.
Perón: The Politician You Couldn’t Ignore (Even If You Tried)
Fast-forward to the 1940s, and Juan Domingo Perón basically became the main character in Argentine politics. But let’s be real—Evita wasn’t just there for the aesthetic. She was influencing everything, handing out schools, hospitals, and pesos like she was Oprah. But, don’t get it twisted—there were some shady vibes. The Peróns were running their own little favoritism game, giving the best jobs to their crew. If you were tight with them? VIP treatment. If not? Blocked.
Evita? Sure, she helped the poor, but she was also out here building a cult of personality, with fan clubs and monuments like she was Beyoncé-level famous. And if you weren’t into Peronism? Yikes. Political opponents? Silenced—and not the fun on social media -cancelled way.
Then there’s Juan—good ol’ Perón, mixing some social reforms with a side of authoritarian vibes. Free speech? Who’s she? Juan was like, “You’re either with me, or move.” Together, they turned Peronism into that one app nobody asked for, but you can’t delete it—still pre-installed on every political convo in Argentina today.
Argentina’s Darker Days (1976–1983)
Times were real dark in the ‘70s. Perón came back for another season in 1973, but it was a total disaster. His old fans, the Montoneros, flipped and started causing chaos—bombings, kidnappings, the whole deal. Right-wing death squads got in on the action, and the country started spiraling fast.
By 1976, the military was like, “Enough,” and took over. Freedom? Cancelled. People disappeared, and anyone not fitting their vibe got shut down. It was a seriously dark era.
Then in 1982, desperate for a win, the dictatorship tried to take back the Malvinas (and no, we don’t say the F-word). They went all in on it , but the UK was like, “Hard pass,” and Argentina took the L.
The whole country looks back on this era and says, Nunca más—“never again.”
Democracy Returns: Finally, Some Good Vibes (1983)
After years of dictatorship, Argentina finally hit reset in 1983. Democracy came back, and Raúl Alfonsín was like the reboot the country needed. The whole country celebrated like it was the dopest glow-up ever, and since then, democracy has been the vibe. Everyone was out in the streets like, “We’re back, baby!”
2001, Argentina’s “Can’t Even” Moment
2001 was Argentina’s ultimate flop era. The economy? Wrecked. People couldn’t get their cash, inflation was out of control, and protests were poppin’ off everywhere. Like, they went through five presidents in two weeks—five. The peso was tied to the U.S. dollar (bad move), and by 2001, it all fell apart. Unemployment? Sky high. People were fuming when the government froze their bank accounts (corralito vibes). Everyone was banging pots in the streets, aka cacerolazos, and Argentina defaulted on $100B of debt. Biggest. Mess. Ever.
Messi Brings It Home: The Redemption Arc (2022)
The universe was on the verge of collapse, and then Messi, the chosen one, swooped in and single-handedly saved us all. 2022 wasn’t just a year—it was the cosmic moment when Messi finally brought the World Cup home, like it was written in the stars or something. Argentina had been in chaotic limbo for decades, and the second that trophy hit his hands, the universe clicked back into place. The streets? Absolute pandemonium. This wasn’t just a win—it was divine intervention. Messi didn’t just lift the Cup; he restored order to the galaxy. Iconic.
